The Couple Who Almost Shot Themselves, and the Lady in the Tight Red Dress

The first half of the first night of the 2020 Republican Convention

Jorie Mar


My plan was to watch the Republican Convention every night and then do snarky (but reasonably accurate) recaps. But last night, I only got as far as watching the first hour and a half, and then I couldn’t bear any more. I was going to take a break and get back to it later, but look, here it is Tuesday evening, and the second night of the convention has already begun. Life is short; conventions are long.

Screenshots of Convention by author

So this is what happened in the first half of the first evening. It was diversity night, with women, Blacks, and Hispanics — and even a Democrat. I don’t think they were fooling anyone, though.

There’s nothing I can say about the politics that you haven’t already heard more times than you ever thought possible. So I’m going to look at the Convention as if it were a play. And the most dramatic moments were the back-to-back appearances of the gun couple and the Lady in Red.

Mark and Patricia McCloskey: Happiness is a Warm Gun

This St. Louis couple hit peak Twitter infamy when they stood in front of their house aiming their guns at Black Lives Matter marchers who were passing by. Or at least the couple meant to aim their guns at the marchers, but they were pointing them more at each other:

Maybe Mr. McCloskey really wanted to “accidentally” shoot Mrs. McCloskey (via Twitter)

So of course these pillars of the community were invited to speak at the Convention.

Without having guns to hold, they didn’t seem to know what to do with their hands. They sat side by side, the man a little in front of the woman, as is appropriate for a Republican convention, each gripping one hand with the other as if holding on for dear life:

Could their posture have been any more closed off? Maybe they still saw the BLM protestors in their minds’ eyes and were afraid.

They read the teleprompter in a lifeless monotone. They looked as if they were there to represent the zombie demographic…



Jorie Mar

Semi-hopeful New Yawka. Baby boomer. Inactive attorney. Content mill veteran. Aspiring humor writer. Twitter: @semihopeful